


my dreams (became bigger than love)

by magnoosbaene



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Hurt Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Overdose, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lee Jihoon | Woozi-centric, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Protective Dongsaengs, Protective Hyungs, Sleeping Pills, Suicidal Thoughts, im so sorry jihoonie :(, no caps intended, please don't read if triggering, why is there not a tag for that, woozi is loved, yup still don't know how to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:42:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26025157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnoosbaene/pseuds/magnoosbaene
Summary: finally, he thinks of all thirteen of them, standing in a practice room with green walls and the scenery shifts to them bowing side by side in front of an ocean of rose quartz and serenity.he's going to miss them, lee jihoon thinks as he falls asleep for the last time.orjihoon is tired, way too tired
Relationships: Lee Jihoon | Woozi/Everyone
Comments: 10
Kudos: 95





	my dreams (became bigger than love)

**Author's Note:**

> hellowwwwww :D
> 
> it has been quite a while since i have written anything and an even longer time since i revisited my account! this one-shot was a request made in my one-shot request book on wattpad (i'll link it in the end note if anyone is interested!) and i thought i could post it here. this work might be triggering to some so please read the tags and heed the warnings 
> 
> *****
> 
> Song Recommendation:  
> "All of My LIfe" by Park Won

before any of you read this **!!TW: suicidal thoughts, suicide/suicide attempt, sleeping pills, implied anxiety, implied overdose, please don't read if any of this triggers you!!** if i missed anything please tell me in the comments and i'll fix it immediately

enjoy this safely lovelies ✨

*****

**_ when things were so hard that i was tired of living _ **  
**_ when nothing was going my way _ **  
**_ when i hadn't even seen my family _ **  
**_ and even i wasn't important to myself _ **  
**_ in this world, where one must have more _ **  
**_ in order to continue with love _ **  
**_ all of my life _ **  
**_ you are all of my life _ **

*****  
  


to put it simply, jihoon was tired.

so, so, so tired.

and not the tiredness that you can fix with a good meal and 20 plus hours of sleep. no, this exhaustion was bone-deep; he felt it every time he woke up to dance practice, every time he went for vocal warm-ups with his hyungs, every time he faked a smile and forced a laugh at one of his dongsaeng's jokes. even making music and spending time with his bandmates, no his family, felt like a chore. something he had to put effort into doing when it used to spark happiness in him.

for the past few days, he had been locked up in his studio, trying to finish the album that was supposed to be released this month, with songs that were supposed to be choreographed last week. even his bandmates had outwardly shown him their displeasure. It didn't start with much, well, nothing ever did.

in the beginning, they were so supportive, so attentive to him. when they saw him stumble more than usual during practice, soonyoung would loudly announce he needed a five-minute-break, while he hadn't even broken a sweat. If he forgot to come home because he was too wrapped up in fixing a part of their song, jeonghan would send one of the dongsaengs (usually hansol or seungkwan) to fetch him, even going to get him himself one time. and on days when they couldn't get him to come home, not even with chan's pleading and seungcheol's stern but worried glare, mingyu would pack him a mountain of tupperware filled to the brim with rice, meat and side dishes.

however, like all good things, they ended too soon. even when he felt his head pounding and eyes lose focus, they just couldn't afford to spare time for breaks anymore. jisoo and jeonghan got too busy with keeping the kids in check they forgot they were missing one member at the dining table.

and with their care, so went their patience. every time they had to repeat the dance because he missed a step or bumped into another member, their sighs of frustration would ring in his head for days on end, echoing on lonely nights where his mind wouldn't shut up no matter how hard he scratched at his skin. it was known that he gets easily irritated when tired, but maybe everyone was just too exhausted as well to put up with his attitude. so now, instead of trying more when he pushed them away, they decided that he wasn't worth the effort. no more encouraging texts from jun, no more concerned calls from wonwoo, no more silent companionship from myeongho and no more random comfort from seokmin.

but it's alright he supposes. they've all got more important things to tend to, he was never that valuable anyway, right?

and so today marks the fourth day he locked himself in the studio and the tenth since he last had real food. but nobody came, and nobody asked, nobody cared.

he tried to keep his spirits up, he tried so hard. he even posted a selfie on weverse, just to get some sort of reassurance. instead, he got a barrage of hate, which actually wasn't as uncommon as you think it would be, even on a supposedly "protected" place like weverse. comments saying that he was arrogant, self-centered, incompetent and not worthy to be in a talented group like seventeen. one specific commenter telling him to just 'fucking kill yourself and spare the group the embarrassment of having you as a member'.

that last one did it for him, making him drop his phone on the floor and hearing it crack as his fingers start shaking horribly. his whole body frozen as his mind whispers, _see? they want you gone, go do them a favor jihoonie, give them what they want, isn't that what you want too?_

he feels something akin to a laugh bubble in his chest, but he feels no joy, instead hot tears run down his face as he tilts his head upwards and laughs, loud and sorrowful, the sound echoing in the empty studio.

and again he feels tired, so tired.

he misses his bed, his room, his parents, his members. he misses laughing and joking, he misses fighting over the last piece of pork on the barbeque grill, he misses late-night movies that always ends in a ramyeon feast. he misses feeling happy and carefree.

but his exhaustion outweighs his feelings of longing, and with a jolt he realizes, he wants it all to end.

from that point on it seemed like his body moved on autopilot. he didn't remember saving all of his work, labeling them and leaving his computer unlocked. he didn't remember walking all the way back to the dorms, toeing off his shoes and walking straight to his room completely unnoticed. his mind felt fuzzy, like it was filled with cotton and it only became clear when he found himself sitting on the bed rummaging through the drawer of the table seungcheol got him when he first moved to his empty too-big room.

sifting through shirts and random mismatched socks, a smile bloomed on his face when he found what he was looking for.

initially, he bought the bottle for the days where he couldn't get a wink of sleep, but he never ended up using it because he found he didn't need sleep to function normally. how fortunate was that?

opening the lid he popped one pill in and swallowed it dry. when he felt it go down he took another and another and another, until when he reached to get another one his fingers touched the bottom of the plastic bottle.

he did it. there was no going back now.

clutching the now empty bottle, he pulled back the covers and settles into bed, his mind wanders. he thinks of their first time meeting each other, their first stage, their first win.

he wants them to be the last thing on his mind so he thinks of seungcheol's gummy smile and childlike laugh, his best friend that has been with him the longest. he thinks of jeonghan's playfulness and soft, comforting touch and also jisoo's warm smile and soothing voice. he thinks of jun's hyper activeness contrasting with the gentle tone of a chinese lullaby he sung to him once when he was having nightmares. he thinks of soonyoung's passionate love for dance and everyone around him and with that, he thinks of wonwoo, silent but always there to offer a shoulder to lean on.

by the time he tries to think of myeongho and his wise words, constant reassurances and occasional embrace, he starts feeling sleep heavy. he thinks of mingyu and dokyeom's cheerful laugh and bright energy and tries to remember the feeling of the arms of the two youngers around him any time they noticed he was down. he thinks of hard-working seungkwan and his sweet, soft heart, will he be the one to cry for him the most? he thinks of steady, calm hansol, who was never afraid to bring him out of a slump with his bright eyes and easy smile. he thinks of their baby chan, their maknae who grew up so mature and wanting to protect his hyungs, _i'm sorry i didn't let you protect me chan-ah_

finally, he thinks of all thirteen of them, standing in a practice room with green walls and the scenery shifts to them bowing side by side in front of an ocean of rose quartz and serenity.

_i'm gonna miss you_

_all of you_

_i'm sorry_

_i love you_

lee jihoon thinks as he falls asleep for the last time.  
  
  


*****  
  
  


"oh, i didn't know jihoonie was home." jeonghan commented as he and seokmin came back from their weekly grocery runs.

"yeah, i think he came back a while ago," jisoo replied from the kitchen where he was helping mingyu cook dinner.

it's been a while since they all had dinner together and it's been even longer since their tiny producer joined them for one. they knew the past few weeks had been hard on all of them, especially jihoon, and even though they wouldn't admit it, they all guiltily noticed that they haven't even realized his absence.

seungcheol smiled from his place on the couch beside wonwoo and jun who were arguing over what game to play next, "well I'm glad he came home, i don't think he's had a full meal in a while," smile turning into a frown as he processed the words he just spoke.

"don't worry hyung, we'll make sure he eats triple his portion," myeongho commented as he came from the bathroom, freshly showered and a towel around his shoulders.

"speaking of eating, can someone call jihoon hyung from his room? the food's almost ready." mingyu asked as he started placing bowls of rice on the table.

standing up from the armchair, hansol let out a noise of confirmation as he headed to said hyung's room.

"woozi hyung, come out it's dinner time," hansol rapped his knuckles on the wooden door.

a minute passed to no response.

strange, jihoon hyung was a light sleeper and would have at least responded.

he shrugged and thought that maybe his hyung was wearing headphones.

"jihoonie hyung, wake up," he said a bit louder, still to no response.

frowning, he turned the doorknob and walked into the dimly lit room, smiling softly when he saw his hyung buried underneath the covers. he must have been exhausted, the younger mused as he moved to shake his shoulder.

but he flinched back slightly as he felt how cold his skin felt, even through a shirt. getting a bit paranoid, the younger shook his hyung's shoulder, gently then roughly when he didn't even move.

"hyung, hyung! jihoon hyung wake up," at this point hansol was frantic, alternating between lighty slapping jihoon's cheek to shaking him vigorously. and as he did, he heard the soft sound of a bottle falling and rolling away on the hardwood floor.

feeling his stomach drop, he glanced to see the bottle of empty sleeping pills and felt his blood run cold.

with shaking fingers he searched jihoon's neck, his wrist, for a pulse, a heartbeat, a sign of life. when finding none he stepped back and with horror realized how his hyung's chest didn't move up or down to breathe, how his already pale face was almost as white as the pillowcase, how his lips though parted was not releasing any air.

hansol stepped back, tripping over his own feet and falling to the floor.

he screamed.

**Author's Note:**

> that's it for this one-shot! if you have reached the end, thank you so much for reading, and please please know that you are not alone! i know i might just be a stranger online, but that might just be what you need right now, to just vent, i'll listen to everything i promise! :D if you have any requests please comment and if you don't mind kudos would be nice <3
> 
> hope everyone stays safe in these times, until we meet again! 🌸
> 
> (p.s title and lyrics from the song all of my life by park won)
> 
> ***
> 
> link to my wattpad request book: https://www.wattpad.com/story/208431458-%E2%9D%84%EF%B8%8F%E2%9C%A8%F0%9D%92%AE%F0%9D%92%AB%F0%9D%92%9C%F0%9D%91%85%F0%9D%92%A6%F0%9D%90%BF%F0%9D%90%B8%E2%9C%A8%E2%9D%84%EF%B8%8F-a-woozi-centric-one-shot-request


End file.
